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The Gift

In those days when we were in the process
of breaking everything that we had built together:
of deconstructing each line we had carefully woven
into poems, of whitewashing the walls
where pictures of roads had been painted, you had given
me a diary, along with your whims.

What made you choose that diary I wonder.
Was it that I wrote profusely and I could write anything that I wanted?
Or Was it that you knew that the end was near
And you wanted me to drain myself of you into those pages?

I never would know what could have been,
Had I held on to you as you did...
Maybe our tortured souls wouldn't have made
into these pages...maybe the blood of our souls
that stains our hands, would have throbbed
our hearts, as we grasped each other tight.




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I  was dealing with depression and family responsibilities, yet trying to heal from trauma but you chose to leave me right then. Right when, I was gathering up courage , courage to finally owe up to a 7 year slow burn for you, waiting for you to finish your career goals when you left me. And not even a word before the final hour. Not even a warning , but a blow. I have loved you since the first day I met you.. since the first trip I took with you. Since the time we stared at a moonlit mountain together. You were a rock, my anchor. The day it all ended, I told my friend... I feel like a rudderless anchorless boat.. As I suffer through my personal troubles now, my failing health, I wish .. and I rage.. and I scream internally... YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE. And although you never promised anything, it seems weird now that it was all me and zero of you in there.